'You' and 'I': The Art of Communication in Marital Life – II

There is a huge difference between a positive statement such as: "I always look forward to you returning home in the evening to see you and talk to you", and a negative one such as: "You never care to listen to me even when we meet in the evening."

The use of the pronoun "I" in conversation is more influential and more effective than the use of the pronoun "you"; and "I" always reduces the severity of what you want to say. Try to compare the following two statements:

·         "You don't care about the condition of the house" which is construed by the listener to be an accusation of negligence.

·         "I feel lonely when I am doing the housework", which means the wife bears the responsibility for doing the housework even if she feels lonely, and she does the housework alone.

Dear brothers and sisters:

When the spouses use the subjective pronoun “I” more often in their dialogue, and include positive meanings in their words, their relationship will improve immediately and noticeably, and they may find solutions for their problems once they improve their manner of conversation and dialogue.

It is true that it is not easy to start using the subjective pronoun "I". This depends on the decision taken by each of the spouses to start bearing responsibility for their feelings and needs, and expressing themselves wisely. This requires the person to acquire a special skill in the ability to talk about oneself.

The use of the subjective pronoun "I" means that one will no longer use expressions such as: “You always…”, "You never…", "You make me feel…", which will be replaced with such expressions as: "I feel… ", “I wish…”, "I do not want to...".

Three important words that help one acquire the skills of listening and talking are: feelings, needs and wishes. These simple expressions: "I feel", "I need", and "I wish" transmit to others what we like to say about ourselves, and what we need from others to help us. For example, we could say:

"I have been feeling so stressed out and tired lately."

"I need some rest."

"I wish you could understand what this means to me, so you could help me find a way to rest."

What is more important is that a person speaks subjectively, and talks about his own feelings briefly. It is difficult for some people to acquire this skill; and they may need a lot of encouragement and patience if they are slow in this respect.

In conclusion:

In this article, we have seen the means by which we can talk to each other more effectively. Thus, instead of blaming one another, by saying "you" more than "I", it is important that one should talk positively and subjectively, i.e. about himself, by using the subjective pronoun “I” more often. This helps us express our feelings, needs and wishes, especially when learning the skills of listening and talking, and keeping the channels of communication open with the other party.

Dear husband and wife,

The best way to practice the art of communication is not to blame the other by using "you", but instead, to try to use such positive words as "I" to express our feelings, needs and wishes. An earnest attempt to change what is said or done by the other party into something positive can help one appreciate or, at least, understand them better.

For example, you could say, "I am sorry that things have been tough and difficult for you lately", or you could interrupt the speech by saying: "I can't express how happy I am that you are listening to me like this! How comfortable this makes me feel!"

"I" is intended to express one's purpose:

We can express our purpose by using phrases starting with "I" such as: "I want", "I mean", "I would like to", and "I intend to". When we fail to express ourselves clearly, this failure leads to confusion and ambiguity, for the other party would not understand our wishes and purposes.

Choosing the right words:

Long-term relationships like marriage are characterized by habits that may cause each of the spouses to be heedless of what they says to their life partner, for each partner depends, in choosing words, on habit rather than on conscious selection. Hence, words of encouragement are lost and replaced with others that lead to tension and discontentment.

The following are some of the negative frustrating expressions that are often used: "You will never change", "You're always cranky", "You're wrong, and this is not the first time." We notice that "you" is most often used to express negative words and emotions.

Examples of encouraging words and expressions are: "I love you", "I need you", "I respect the way you handle matters. I like it", "Can I help you?" We notice here that the word "I" is essential to all positive encouraging expressions.

Things to do:

1-        Train yourself to use this manner of communication with your husband this week, and remember to use "I" instead of "you", and use your emotional intelligence in your reactions and dialogue with your husband.

2-        The use of "I" instead of "you" is one of the ways you can keep communication open between you and your husband. It implies the concept of bearing responsibility, and carries positive meanings to encourage the other party to continue with the dialogue.

'You' and 'I': The Art of Communication in Marital Life – I

He said he was coming in ten minutes’ time. Ten minutes pass, half an hour, an hour, and then he shows up.

The wife: "You said ten minutes, and I have been waiting here for an hour."

The husband: "Forgive me, there was too much traffic."
The wife: "This is not the first time. That’s the way you are; always late. You should have called me."
The husband: "My phone is out of credit, and I have no credit to call."
The wife: "How can I trust you? Do you think I am stupid and that all I have to do is to wait for you?"

He looks at her in confusion and stops talking.

Dear husband and wife,
The husband started with a real excuse, then he chose to protect his marital bond through silence.
Change the "you" into an "I":
The term "you" is nothing but a formula for failure in communicating with your husband. It means: “You are guilty and responsible and you have to change. But I am not responsible.”
"I" means that you are thinking in an attempt to interpret the cause of anger. In the above example, the wife is angry, not because the husband is late but because she feels that she is not important to him, which leads to frustration and then anger. This emotion builds up as time passes, and as her attempt to interpret the cause of his delay continues, it leads to other thoughts:
"He always neglects me."
"He gives no importance to me."
"His work is more important to him than me."
"He thinks I have no feelings."
Another emotion:
Why not express the reaction to the delay by using a different emotion?
Feeling sad because she is lonely?
Being afraid that he should be concerned with anything more than her?
Feeling guilty lest she may have done something which made him come home late?
Fearing that something bad might have happened to him?
Sometimes, she could be glad because she managed to be ready before his arrival.
So, when she meets him, she could say:
"I am sad that you came home late, because this means that I am not important to you."
"If only you knew how afraid I was because you were late… I thought something might have happened to you and I was so worried about you."
"If only you knew how eagerly I await you coming home!"
Then, watch him with his eyes sparkling, approaching you, trying to prove the opposite of that. No man on earth can resist such a reception. If the man were to know that he would be received in this way, surely, he would do his best to arrive as soon as possible the next time. Conversely, if he knows there will be a dispute, he will say to himself, "A quarrel is awaiting me anyway, whether I am late for ten minutes or an hour." 
In order not to aggravate the situation, the husband could have said to her when he arrived, "I know that you are upset because I am late and that you have been waiting for me. I apologize."
If each of the spouses leaves the "you" formula, the dialogue will remain open, otherwise, frustration will recur, giving room for anger and resentment to accumulate, which makes any further communication even more difficult.
"I" means that you should ask yourself: "Why am I aggravated?" If you know and address the real cause of aggravation, the pent-up feelings will not accumulate and the reaction will not be negative.
Men must realize that women naturally incline towards caring for others, and devote themselves wholeheartedly to doing so. When a woman’s husband is late, she is concerned about that, and may become tense, and her life and housework may come to a halt because she is worried about him.
The wife should realize that saying "I" instead of "You", and expressing herself using her emotional intelligence will go a long way towards maintaining the channels of communication between her and her husband, instead of silence and an end to dialogue.
Iblees and Aadam… I and you
Consider, dear reader, the difference between the speech of Iblees (Satan), may Allaah curse him, and the speech of Aadam . In the Noble Quran, Iblees says (what means): {"My Lord, because You have put me in error}[Quran 15:39] i.e. 'You are the cause', Exalted and Hallowed be Allaah The Almighty from what he says. On the other hand, Aadam says: {"Our Lord, we have wronged ourselves} [Quran 7:23] it means he holds himself responsible for the sin.

--- The QuRan and Hadith On RamaDaN ---

THE QURAN ON FASTING

"O you who believe! Fasting is prescribed for you as it was prescribed for those before you, that you may become Al-Muttaqun (the pious).
(Fasting) for a fixed number of days, but if any of you is ill or on a journey, the same number (should be made up) from other days. And as for those who can fast with difficulty, (i.e. an old man, etc.), they have (a choice either to fast or) to feed a poor person (for every day). But whoever does good of his own accord, it is better for him. And that you fast, it is better for you if only you know." (2:183-84)
"The month of Ramadan in which was revealed the Quran, a guidance for mankind and clear proofs for the guidance and the criterion (between right and wrong). So whoever of you sights (the crescent on the first night of) the month (of Ramadan), he must fast that month, and whoever is ill or on a journey, the same number (of days which one did not fast must be made up) from other days.
Allah intends for you ease, and He does not want to make things difficult for you. (He wants that you) must complete the same number (of days), and that you must magnify Allah for having guided you so that you may be grateful to Him" (2: 185).
"It is made lawful for you to have sexual relations with your wives on the night of the fasts. They are garments for you and you are the same for them. Allah knows that you used to deceive yourselves, so He turned to you and forgave you. So now have sexual relations with them and seek that which Allah has ordained for you, and eat and drink until the white thread (light) of dawn appears to you distinct from the black thread (darkness of night), then complete your fast till the nightfall.
And do not have sexual relations with them (your wives) while you are in Itikaf in the mosques. These are the limits (set) by Allah, so approach them not. Thus does Allah make clear His signs to mankind that they may become Al Muttaqun (the pious)" (2:187).
"Verily! We have sent it (this Quran) down in the night of Al-Qadr.

And what will make you know what the night of Al-Qadr is?

The night of Al-Qadr is better than a thousand months
Therein descend the angels and the Ruh (Gabriel) by Allah's Permission with all Decrees,

Peace! until the appearance of dawn (97:1-5)

THE HADITH ON FASTING

Abu Huraira related that the Prophet (peace and blessings be upon him) said: Whoever fasts during Ramadan with faith and seeking his reward from Allah will have his past sins forgiven. Whoever prays during the nights in Ramadan with faith and seeking his reward from Allah will have his past sins forgiven. And he who passes Lailat al-Qadr in prayer with faith and seeking his reward from Allah will have his past sins forgiven (Bukhari, Muslim).
Abu Huraira related that Rasulullah said: If anyone omits his fast even for one day in Ramadan without a concession or without being ill, then if he were to fast for the rest of his life he could not make up for it (Bukhari).
Abu Huraira related that the Prophet said: Allah the Majestic and Exalted said: "Every deed of man will receive ten to 700 times reward, except Siyam (fasting), for it is for Me and I shall reward it (as I like). There are two occasions of joy for one who fasts: one when he breaks the fast and the other when he will meet his Lord" (Muslim).

Abu Huraira related that Rasulullah said: Many people who fast get nothing from their fast except hunger and thirst, and many people who pray at night get nothing from it except wakefulness (Darimi).

When to start fasting

en it should appear (Bukhari, Muslim).

The Suhoor meal (which is eaten before dawn)

Anas related that Rasulullah said: Take the Suhoor meal, for there is blessing in it (Bukhari, Muslim).

Breaking your fast

Salman ibn Amir Dhabi related that the Prophet said: Break your fast with dates, or else with water, for it is pure (Abu Dawud, Tirmidhi).

Fasting during a journey

Aisha related that Rasulullah was asked whether one should fast when on a journey, and he replied: Fast if you like, or postpone it if you like (Bukhari, Muslim).

Behavior while fasting

Abu Huraira related that the Prophet said: If a person does not avoid false talk and false conduct during Siyam, then Allah does not care if he abstains from food and drink (Bukhari, Muslim).

Forgetfully eating or drinking while fasting

Abu Huraira related that Rasulullah said: If anyone forgets that he is fasting and eats or drinks he should complete his Siyam, for it is Allah who has fed him and given him drink (Bukhari, Muslim).

Providing for those who are breaking the fast

Zaid ibn Khalid Juhni related that the Prophet said: He who provides for the breaking of the Siyam of another person earns the same merit as the one who was observing Siyam diminishing in any way the reward of the latter (Tirmidhi).

Lailat al-Qadr

Aisha related that the Prophet said: Look for Lailat al-Qadr on an odd-numbered night during the last ten nights of Ramadan (Bukhari).
Anas ibn Malik related that Rasulullah said: When Lailat al-Qadr comes Gabriel descends with a company of angels who ask for blessings on everyone who is remembering Allah, whether they are sitting or standing (Baihaqi).